Thursday, July 23, 2009

Thursday's Thoughts & Not Me...

Brain fog has almost taken over my Being today. It doesn't help that I woke up in the wee hours of the morning with a blazing headache and vomiting. I didn't recognize this as a migraine right away. Mostly because it's not the right time of the month for me to have a migraine. Those people I know that are receptive to weather shifts and migraines weren't affected today...despite the hours of rain that descended upon us. I'm wondering if the wee bit of a Vodka cooler last night precipitated this onset? Or was it the one piece of KFC chicken (that I puked up minutes after eating...)? Foolish mortal.

I tried my best to function today with this pain and puking and horrendous bone pain. I puked up all my Masto meds., several times. So I stopped trying to keep them in. I tried taking Percoset after the regular Tylenol was returned to the world via the loo bowl. However, the Percoset only served to make me dizzy and the sense of spinning and nausea was tenfold worse culminating in yet more vomiting. I tried to sleep. I hurt too much. I tried to keep busy. I hurt too much. I walked around like a Zombie for a few hours, trying to do the dishes, make sure the kids were fed and happy, make the bed...tasks that wouldn't normally take that kind of time, but today did. It wasn't until about 1:30 pm that it occured to me to take a Zomig rapimelt. As Gravol both oral and suppository were returned to the world via the toilet within minutes of utilizing, I sort of thought Zomig was the last line of defense. My problem with taking migraine meds is that IF you don't actually have a migraine, these meds will give you a migraine...I was scared to make it all worse. However, I took it in the end and put myself to bed with a hot bean bag under my aching neck and heat pad on my painfilled stomach, bowl nearby.

The other thing about migraine meds is, IF you wait too long to take them, they take a long time to kick in. Which was the case today. It took almost 2 hours for them to kick in. But they did. And magically, I now feel normal. I've even managed to eat some rice.

Obviously, I feel well enough to look at a computer screen without wincing.

As some of you know, my weight has been an ongoing issue for me. I've spent this past two weeks logging my nourishment and exercise on this fabulous website My Fitness This site is FREE, and helps you keep track of your eating and moving habits, and your progress...or as in my case, NON-progress. What I have learned from this logging is that I'm not actually eating enough. I go to bed most days with a ridiculous 600-2000 calorie deficit. My body thinks it's starving. Unbelievable, actually. I mean, I'm having a REALLY hard time realizing that I'm not eating enough, because I often think that I'm eating TOO much. Trying to fill up the deficit calories past 7pm at night is NOT the answer either. Anything we put into our bodies past this point, pretty much turns to fat. So, I've realized that I need to approach what foods I can eat (and the list is getting smaller and smaller) and attempt to get them into my body during the day, progressively and in small amounts. Since getting that hiatus hernia thingy at the end of April (caused from all that coughing and vomitting) I'm finding it difficult to eat any decent portion sizes.

There is a part of me that thinks ridiculous things like, "what's the point in eating?" because I often puke it back up or have it run right the way through me. You'd think, theoretically, that I'd be a skinny skinny minny by now. However, my over decade of bulimia as a young teen and twenty year old young woman hasn't helped my body any and has set the stage for 'starvation mode.' My body obviously thinks I'm starving it...and is storing whatever I am putting into it as quickly as possible.

I'm going to have to make a real effort to shift this. Somehow.

Planning might be key. Simplicity in meals.

My GP wants to test me for Celiac. I've done some controlled testing on myself with foods in the past few weeks and I'm absolutley gob-smacked by how much pain/vomiting or diahrrea gluten seems to be causing me. Not sure I even need to 'test' for it any further (but will because my good doctor wants to get a definitive answer on this...) because I'm infinitely better and healthier when I don't ingest this stuff. Not even dairy hurts me this much.

What I know is, I don't want to be THIS unhealthy and I feel myself spiralling...this isn't ok.

I'm raw. Emotionally, physically and spiritually. A person can't take this kind of a beating for this length of time and not feel worn down. This weakened human being that I've become in the past 5 or 6 years, maybe longer, is NOT me. I can't believe I barely have time or energy for anyone else these days. This is NOT me. Ready for bed at 5pm. This is NOT me. Barely any thoughts to string together. This is NOT me. No energy for drawing or painting. This is NOT me. No energy to listen to the woes of others. This is NOT me. Grumpy, withdrawn, exhausted and broken. This is NOT me. Too tired for Yoga. This is NOT me. Pain that is so deep that it's often not touchable. This is NOT me. Overweight and burdened. This is NOT me.

How many of us look into the mirror these days and wonder where we've disappared to? Sucked into the vortex of sickness? This is NOT me.

I know it's not you either.

Except...what is, is...and says this IS me. And you. So hang in there, k? I'm trying.


Anonymous said...

Fiona, it's really, really good to get the celiac test but it's not necessarily definitive even for celiac. I've had two, both negative.

You know, it could be non-celiac gluten sensitivity. That's what I have. Was tested at enterolab ( and have both gluten and casein (milk protein) intolerance. There's some good information on there.

On the other had, the problem can be the opioid-like peptides in gluten and in dairy. They can cause histamine release in sensitive people. You can read about it here if you are interested.
under the elimination diet
click gluten and casein

Sorry for your recent miseries. I'm fine if I don't eat or breathe.

Anonymous said...

viagra for sale without a prescription viagra jokes sublingual viagra viagra uterine thickness viagra canada viagra suppliers in the uk buy viagra soft online viagra larger forever viagra rrp australia cost mexico viagra what does viagra do how viagra works buy viagra online at herbal viagra