Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Off Day

It's still Tuesday night to me. It's the wee hours of Wednesday morning, and I'm still awake due to itching, gut pain (that seems to be exacerbated by my nibbling on any thing, and not helped) and bone pain. I should've known earlier today when the bone pain hit, that it wasn't that I'd overdone it.

I had gleefully walked over to my friend's Tara and Pete's house...something I like to do after the girls get on the schoolbus and head out for their learning and socializing day. It's MY time, with Charlotte...our dog. It was a week ago today that my right knee had arthroscope for the arthritis and patella femoral (runner's knee). I hurt sooooooooooo bad when I got home that I was utterly thankful for Tara giving me a ride home. Not sure I would've made it. It is, approximately, 2 km's to their house down our dirt roads. I took my time getting there this morning, and still got there in 45 mins. Normally, we are easily half that time and I sweat. Today, I plodded along with my cane, camera's and canine. However, it still felt like maybe I'd overdone it.

So, in my infinite wisdom, when I felt like crying this afternoon, I broke down and took a percoset. Which of course, made me jittery and super mellow all at the same time. Then my face broke out in little raised bumps, that itched. Then I flushed on the chest, and itched. Then I spent all afternoon in the loo consoling my diahrrea-ached bottom. Thank goodness a free issue of Allergic Living arrived in the mail this week...I had something to read. Ugh. And it didn't ease up all night. My armpits hurt too. That pain in my right kidney (?) again.

The pain become unbearable about 6 hours later. Since I can't take aspirin or ibuprofen and even, tylenol has become as issue as of late...I took two percoset. Kill or cure, was my thinking. And here I am 8 hours later in agony. I'm such a moron. Emma, is right. Percoset DOES seem to be aggravating me.

This all over body itching is unreal. Under the skin, nothing on top of it...except in a couple of places. Scratching does little to relieve the discomfort, so I continue to attempt mind over matter techniques. To no avail. So now, I'm waiting for it to go away.

I'm grateful that I'm breathing ok, and am not currently at the hospital post epi. We almost used one earlier when I was doubled over in the loo, puking up allergic foam and bile. I do have pain in my right lung (a typical reaction) but I'm breathing fine and my tongue isn't swollen.

EVERY bloody time I feel this way, I wish for something else. EVERY time this happens, I wish to be in another body. EVERY time I trigger, I think I've learned enough NOT to let myself be triggered again. Is it any wonder that I so often feel useless, helpless, worthless and utterly powerless with Mastocytosis? I suppose I'm only human...

So I'm learning that perhaps I'm not actually going at this alone. I'm finding comfort in perhaps there being a God that loves me and cares about me too...and that I've not been forsaken, so much as challenged. It could be a LOT worse. I could, like Masto Mama, have this horrendousness going on in my children. But I don't. It's in my body right now. And I've been given this disease because my shoulders, perhaps, are big enough to hold it. Even, if I don't always feel that strong.

There are others with more pressing, life-threatening situations going on in their lives right now. So, if you're the praying type, perhaps you could pray for Baby Stellan (born with what seems to be a congenital heart failure problem, of sorts) and for Audrey's Mom as she continues to cope with losing her little Audrey (and choosing to carry her pregnancy to term, despite knowing she was carrying a dying baby...THAT is courage) and pray for little Gavin, who deals with what I deal with but is not even 5 years out of the birthing gate and is one heck of a trooper for still smiling with this kind of pain. Please keep these people (that I've never met) in your thoughts, and in your hearts because, I know firsthand, it helps. I haven't met half of you, and I'm utterly grateful and filled with grace for your time, your love and your warmth.

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