Wednesday, February 25, 2009


I can't believe I didn't sleep at all last night. Perhaps the drama and stress over this contractor malarky was too much for me yesterday? I can't believe how much pain I was in. I hurt too much to get out of bed to get to pain meds. As I'm sleeping alone at the moment (knee is still healing from surgery two weeks ago), I couldn't ask or nudge anyone. Every long bone & joint in my body felt like someone had taken a mallet to it. My knees, my elbows, my arms, my legs...unreal pain. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

Yesterday, I was on the verge of an anaphylactic reaction. Flushed, fat tongue (but breathing and swallowing), pain in my lungs, anxiety, tachycardia & brachycardia changing places every few minutes, knee and leg pain, hand tremors, couldn't get warm, feeling faint (but didn't pass out...pheeeee-ew)...I used my arsenal of drugs. Kept things at bay. I avoided using Prednisone, as it makes me fat and crazy, until late into the afternoon and it was looking like Epi was inevitable and the drama of Emerg. And, it seems to have made all the difference in the world. Instead of flaring up every 2-3 hours, I managed to go 6 hours. Then everyone went to bed, and I read cozied up in my heat blanket. I assumed I would just fall asleep, with all the anti-histamines I'd taken. But no, the pain was to get the better of me. All the other symptoms subsided and I was left with the pain.

At 2 am, I thought about forcing myself to get up, cross the room, to my desk where the meds are all sitting. It's really strange when you hurt THAT badly, that you can't get to what can help you. It's a very disconcerting feeling. Powerless.

At 3 am, I thought about banging on the walls to wake my husband upstairs. I tried, but it hurt too much to lift my arms. The weight was unreal. I also thought that if I took pain killers now, and maybe a sleeping pill (or half) that at this point, I'd be such a grump, intolerable, unwakeable human being at 7 am that I wouldn't be able to stomach myself. I won't do this to my children, or to my husband. Not any more. I can't live with myself for dumping my agony on I'm choosing not to.

My dog, Charlotte, must've known how I was feeling, because she lay right on top of me...not only keeping me warm, but applying pressure (that helps a bit) to my aching body. I wonder if it'll be worth teaching her to retrieve my 'kit' for me? She's incredibly smart, and sensitive, so it might be possible. Sometimes, I swear, she knows I'm reacting before I do. She won't leave my side, and gets an urgency in her eyes that I've not seen in a dog before.

At 4 am, I cried.

At 5 am, I was still crying.

At 6 am, I tried to get up and couldn't. It hurt too much. I felt pathetic, weak, stupid, powerless, drained, exhausted, angry, useless, and insignificant.

At 6:30 am, I had to tell myself off for being so mean to myself. I tried to meditate but my body screamed louder than my ability to master mind over matter. I told myself it was ok, "I don't have to be strong right now because I'm not." Just let it be.

At 6:45 am, I told myself that it'd be ok. My husband would be getting up in 15 minutes and could help me.

At 7:00 am, he came in. "Morning duck, wakey wakey rise and shine!" I told him that I hadn't slept yet. He asked me why. I said that I was in so much pain, I couldn't sleep. He said that I should expect some pain with my knee surgery. You don't understand, I told him, it wasn't just my knees. He asked me why I hadn't taken my painkillers and maybe a sleeping pill. I hurt too much to get to them. He told me to take some now, and when the girls were on the school bus, back to bed. In his morning daze, he sauntered off to the loo to pee. My meds were still across the room on my desk.

At 7:05 am, my oldest daughter came in for her morning hug. I asked her to get my painkillers from the desk. She did, hugged me and said I looked terrible. I said I'd had a bad night, but I'd be fine. She got me a bottle of water, I reluctantly took two Percosets, and waited.

At 7:15, I got out of bed. I don't use these painkillers very often because they're habit-forming, and while I'm fortunate not to have an addictive personality, I don't want to fall into the unfortunate tunnel of painkiller addiction that is so easy to spiral into. So...I wait, hoping not to have to use this stuff. However, this morning, I was thankful for my empty stomach (vomitting and diahrrea all evening last night) because I felt that wave of relief wash over me very quickly.

I haven't gone back to bed yet. Pain-free, and a bit dazed, after the girls got on the school bus, I took Charlotte for a morning walk. We made it to Tara and Pete's house. My first walk in two weeks. Slower than normal, but we made it. I was careful not to push myself too hard. Listening to Eckhart Tolle on my iPod, Charlotte and I walked in the gorgeous blue-skyed, -2, warmish winter morning. My dog, Eckhart, my camera and my Self, the crunch of the snow underfoot was glorious, we walked. I was really proud of myself for getting to their house.

The pain is starting to creep back up on me now. I may have to take some more painkillers soon, but will wait to see how it goes. My face is flushed, I can't stomach the thought of food and I'm cold. Obviously my Mast Cells aren't happy campers at the moment. So, I need to honour what is happening in my body right now. And rest.

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