Sunday, January 31, 2010

Stuck

I read a lot of inspirational stuff, and...I honestly try to inhabit each moment in my day fully, peacefully and with an abundance of gratitude, but this week I've been stuck.  

I feel trapped by my body; trapped by my cells; trapped by my environment; trapped...period.  It's hard to breathe when you feel this way.    I feel so trapped that I don't even have anything insightful to write about feeling trapped.

I know what I want, and it isn't THIS.

I want to be well.
I want to wake up every morning knowing it's gonna be ok.
I want to never have to call an ambulance ever again.
I want to be able to go out with ffamily/friends and not have to worry about someone's perfume or a piece of dust potentially hurting/killing me.
I want to drive a car.
I want to be able to take myself out for breakfast on a Sunday morning.
I want to never feel those all over 'body migraines'.  Pain sucks.
I want to sleep peacefully, without pain, anxiety or restlessness.
I want to never feel like a bear or 10 tonne boulder is sitting on my chest.
I want to be itchy free.
I want to be full of abundant energy.
I want my tongue never to know what tingling or swelling is.
I want to go a whole week without vomitting and gut pain.
I want my children to have their Mother back, in ALL capacities.
I want my husband to have his Wife back.
I want never to need this kind of cocktail of drugs just to keep me out of hospital.
I want white skin that never blotches or flushes.
I want to travel.
I want to take a bus, train or plane without fear of anaphylaxis.
I want to deal with paperwork that has nothing to do with ME and this failing body.
I want to be able to breathe all day, every day, without restriction.
I want to feel useful.

And the biggest 'want' that ALL people with Mast Cell Disease or Systemic Mastocytosis want...I want the old 'me' back, or some of it.  And I want to stop wanting that because it can't be healthy, productive or useful.

I want to stop resenting people with 'normal' lives. It's the simple things that you miss when you lose them...

I want to stop explaining myself to people.  Explaining Masto is exhausting.  My God, there are soooooo many other beautiful things to talk about and think about.

And, finally, I want to be free.  

Stuck is a lonesome place to be.  And in the middle of nowhere, with no driver's license and nowhere to go (and invites that you can't go to because they are high risk & your body isn't co operating)...well, it's hard to see the beauty in that, despite my best efforts.

See...stuck.  The roller coaster of Masto...up, down, up, down, up, down....

2 comments:

Johanna said...

I'm sending many hugs. I wish we lived next door to each other. Having someone who understands, really understands, is so important. This internet is a great tool, but sometimes it would be nice to be in the same room with someone who truly understands what it's like to suffer from such a rare disease.

Since my hysterectomy, the severe symptoms have subsided, but new ones have surfaced. It's a scary road we are traveling. At least we're not totally alone!

Your daughter is awesome, by the way. I loved your previous blog to this. What a blessing she is to you!

Kevin said...

Fiona,

This is so me! Lately I’ve taken some trips knowing if I get sick I’m going to be in a heck of a fix. I’m so tired of living in an egg shell. I wish people knew how badly I wish I could have my old life back when I was well. I’m so sick of always being SICK!

Love reading your blog, also I like the music ;)
Kevin