Monday, August 10, 2009

Post Shocking Fragility

Wee hoo, I got to live another week.

Yesterday was the first day that I finally felt human all week. Dr. Vadas wants to see me next week. I was finally able to keep some food down on Friday afternoon, and have been fine since. S'ok, I dropped 14 lbs during that week of turbulence. Not exactly the way to drop a few pounds, eh?

So, today I feel more hopeful, rested and like life is manageable. There's nothing like epi's, ambulances, resuscitation rooms and not breathing properly to make you feel a bit fragile. Which, describes, exactly, how I felt this past week. Fragile.

The awareness that you can break, and might in fact break, is eye opening. Not the kind of awareness I was seeking in this lifetime, but a valuable life lesson nonetheless. The closeness that we 'shockers' come to death so often is eye opening too. My awareness that I need to inhabit my days fully and enjoy what moments I have on this planet has grown exponentially in the past two years. Each reaction or episode brings me closer to exercising this reality.

So I stop and take time to smell the roses.
I stop and always have hugs on hand for my children.
I stop and have a cup of coffee, just because it tastes good.
I stop and listen to my daughter's theories on life and the world.
I stop and fuss the dog because she wants loving.
I stop and listen to friends' talk because, one day, they or me won't be here.
I stop and watch a whole movie now, instead of getting up a million times during it to clean and putter.
I lie in bed with my husband and snuggle, morning breath and all.
I talk to my chickens and delight in watching them rip apart tomatoes. They LOVE tomatoes.
I stop and make a loaf of bread. It's warm, feels great in the hands and everyone loves it.

I've stopped being in a hurry to get to the next moment. This moment, right now, is the one I inhabit, because that next one might not be there and no-one is actually gonna die, nor are we gonna lose any money if I worry about the next moment or not. So, not worth expending that kind of energy on it. And, this cup of coffee that I'm sipping while I write this tastes extra good this morning. I've learned to appreciate a body that works mostly properly.

Post reaction fragility comes with it's own gifts...appreciation growth. xoxoxo