Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Tide Has Ebbed

I have an infernal cough that won't leave me alone today, and it doesn't feel like a cold. My tongue feels fat at the back, I can't keep warm (house is up to 23 and I'm STILL cold!!!...I can't blame the windows and doors now either, they've all been replaced), and it feels like there's a bear on my back where my lungs hang out. This sucks after SUCH an empowering feel good day yesterday. Like my friend Dawn, with SM, I got three loads of laundry done, all the beds made, rooms tidied AND cleaned the bathroom.
(Dawn has a great blog too, btw.

Today, I feel like I've been run over by a truck and I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. But I did. Grumpy (and trying to control it, which makes me grumpier!) but got everyone's breakfast, lunches, kisses, hugs and out the door to work and school. I feel like such an awful human being (arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...guilt) for permitting the grumpies into my life...and the life of my incredibly patient and understanding family.

I've become aware that I'm tuning out the itching. It's a hard to describe itching, as it comes from the inside to the out. And, it sort of stings from time to time. If I relax and let myself be 'present' in my body, there it is...ITCHY...and I don't have enough hands to scratch all the places it is. So, it seems that I spend most of my waking moments blocking this discomfort out. This is counterproductive to someone who's hell bent on becoming enlightened and Being present.

My tummy isn't happy either. But we won't talk about this. Thank goodness I have a clean bathroom to bear witness to my discomfort. What's the point in eating?

I have blossomed to a super unhealthy 195lbs. On a 5'2" frame, this isn't natural, healthy or ok. No wonder my knees are giving way. No wonder my knees hurt like hell. The odd thing is, I've gained all this weight DESPITE doing all the right things...I exercise daily, get a good 30 mins of cardio in (on top of my morning walk with the dog), I eat healthy, can't snack (have to avoid all the good stuff: corn, potatoes, chocolate, dairy and alcohol), and I drink enough water to sink a ship, not to mention herbal teas (I'm cold most of the time, so I'm constantly trying to warm myself up internally.) Thank goodness my 195 lbs doesn't show in my face. As the Endocrinologist said to me two years ago, when I was up to 192lbs "and WHERE exactly are you putting this 192lbs?"...she didn't believe me, put me on a scale and was gobsmacked. Apparently, I carry my weight well. Lucky dee dah.

I'm tired too, but my brain feels super active. My husband just called, and wants to make sure I get a nap in this afternoon, as I've stopped doing this...out of guilt. Ok...guess I'd better put the heat blanket on.

Oh great...and now I'm flushing....

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