Monday, December 8, 2008

Another Bout of Days

Woke up today still itchy. Got these red spots where I was all blotchy yesterday. They look like the red spots that have appeared on my face, that I keep saying are the residue of reaction and NOT pimples. They've lingered on my face for weeks now, and don't appear to be going away. Now I have two on my chest that are unbearably itchy today.

Tongue is still fat, but not so I can't eat or talk. Just sore.

That spot in my lung feels better with the ventolin today.

The flushing has been unreal today, and I was dealing with it during the night too. I've been awake since 3 am. It's now 1:30 pm. However, once all the drugs kicked in a few hours ago the flushing subsided. Of course, I'm ready to fall over.

My stomach has settled down. Thank goodness for small relief.

Got the itchy's around my eyes though and in my nose...and I don't have a cold.

I'm not moaning so much as documenting.

This makes this Day 3 of not feeling right.

Yesterday at the Xmas party I started reacting badly. I hadn't touched anything, other than our camera and some food (I arrived early to help set up.) Perhaps it was the 300 rubber soled shoes in the building? Or some baby toy? Or a rubber band pinged off of something, somewhere in the building? I don't know...but anyone that knows me noticed me reacting. I remained calm, and said I should maybe exit the premise. Friends told me that they'd find my husband and let him know. Another friend offered to drive me anywhere I needed to go. Other's said they'd watch my children and make sure they took photo's when Santa showed up. Sigh, another event that my body couldn't handle...

So I left for the comfort of a friends' house (Lori) who lives nearby in the Village. Thank god she didn't blow the balloons up for her daughter's birthday in the kitchen, which is where I hung out by myself (stupid, in hindsight) in full on anxiety mode. I almost used Epi because I seriously thought the sense of doom was never going to lift and the swelling wasn't going to stop and the flushing, itching and nausea/vomiting wouldn't end. BUT I reminded myself that I still had a good airway, and despite laboured breathing, I was breathing. I trusted that the onslaught of meds would work...and 100mg of Benadryl and Prednisone, as well as all other anti-histimines later, and...relief finally rolled over me like a plush fleece blanket. I don't normally take such high doses of Benadryl and Prednisone but 50 mg's wasn't doing anything. My Immunologist has given me permission to use that much and see. Although, her take is use Epi FIRST and THEN that stuff...yeah, ok, but the drama is too much and I just wanted to wait and see...was it going to be ok?

It was. Eventually.

My husband reminds me this morning not to fuck about. He says the last time I felt this way (about a month ago), I went 4 days like this...up and down...and then it only took the whiff of a newspaper to send me into full anaphylaxis and a three day stay in hospital, in and out of 'reactions'. So, I'm in lockdown. Can't leave the house. Take the meds as directed, keep the cells in this body suppressed so that I don't go into full anaphylaxis, and try to relax.

This is so NOT where I want my life to be. However, as my doctor and husband remind me...there's not much we can do about it right now. WHAT exactly am I waiting for???? That's what I feel like...WHAT am I waiting for? Am I waiting for myself to accept fully that this is life? Or am I waiting for some miracle to pull me out of this funk? Guess I'm an eternal optimist, so I'm opting for the second and hoping that my hope isn't poor laden and that I'm not being a total moron for wanting there to be another answer, or for there to be a solution when there is none. Something; anything. I HAVE to believe this will get better. Whatever it is.

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