The Road To Forgiveness

When we've been hurt, or have created hurt, there are two possible end results:

1. To allow hurt to remain

or

2. To let hurt go

Notice I didn't say "to remain hurt." To continue to remain hurt is a choice.

To let hurt go is also a choice but by virtue of NOT choosing to let hurt go, One chooses to allow hurt to remain. Ergo, if you no longer allow hurt to remain, you let it go.

So, how is it that people that have been hurt ALLOW themselves to remain in this state? This is the state of 'poor me'; of Victim; of negation to endless suggestions of how to get better; of wallowing; of self-pity; of self-loathing; of self-deprication and loss of self-worth; of blame; of anger; of sadness and of dis-ease.

It takes piles more energy for a person to feel like crap. It takes a lot less to feel good.

Post-hurt, the road to forgiveness, and ultimate letting go, can be a tumultous one...mostly because there is a certain amount of comfort in feeling like crap. No-one REALLY likes to feel terrible, but at certain times in our lives and for certain people this state of living (which isn't really LIVING) is comfortable even if loathesome. For some people, it's a state of living that has always been present. I've had people say to me, "that's how it's always been." or "I can't remember a time of happiness." Perhaps this IS how we've been raised....in homes of neglect, or psychological, emotional, physical or sexual abuse and perhaps THIS is all we know...however, there is another choice.

There's a saying that goes:

If you always DO what you always DID,
You'll always GET what you always GOT.

The first step is in CHOOSING not to choose what IS, or what we've always known.

Often a good place to start self-healing, rather than knowing what we want, is to know what we don't want:

• I don't want to be spoken to like that.
• I don't want to be hit.
• I don't want to be thought of like that.
• I don't want to be ignored.
• I don't want to be made to do something I don't like.
• I don't want to be yelled at.
• I don't want to be criticized.
• I don't want to be put down.
• I don't want to be touched like that.
• I don't want to be looked at like that.
• I don't want to be left alone.
• I don't want to be...[place whatever makes sense to you here.]

And then, we can move on with what we don't want to FEEL:

• I don't want to feel unloved.
• I don't want to feel unappreciated.
• I don't want to feel small.
• I don't want to feel fat.
• I don't want to feel stupid.
• I don't want to feel insignificant.
• I don't want to feel unwanted.
• I don't want to feel like a whore.
• I don't want to feel like a punching bag.
• I don't want to feel unimportant.
• I don't want to feel disrepected.
• I don't want to feel used.
• I don't want to feel sad.
• I don't want to feel angry.
• I don't want to feel unsupported.
• I don't want to feel like crap all the time.

Take a moment to listen to the small still voice inside yourself...it will tell you clearly what you don't want. It is a far stronger voice than the voice that will tell you what you want.

The voice inside us that tells us what we WANT, has often been stiffled, neglected and abused by those that claim to love us or worse, by ourSelves. How easy for you is it to stand up and say:

I want....[whatever it is.]

The road to self-loving, when we come from a world where we have been insignificant in our own lives is wrought with fear, doubt and more doubt...often self-deprication rears its ugly head in the form of our inner critic (or worse, in the actual voices of those that claim to love us) with a million reasons WHY we can't do things; can't move forward; can't, can't, can't...

Remember:

If you always DO what you always DID,
You'll always GET what you always GOT.

The ugliness that destroys our Beauty remains in what is comfortable. There is nothing further to lose in staying where you've been or who you are. But, there is everything to gain by deciding what you don't want, how you don't want to feel and then beginning to articulate what it IS that you DO want.

When we begin examining what we have, what we don't want and how we don't want to feel, inevitably we are faced with the pain created by our perpetrators...whether it's someone else, or ourSelves...at some point there will be a moment of honesty in which we acknowledge what ills and hurts have befallen us, have affected us and have detroyed parts or the whole of us. At THIS point...we have a choice to confront our perpetrators or silently acknowledge within ourSelves what was and what is. It is HERE...that we can make the choice to let go or allow the hurt to remain.

Letting go may come to us in a variety of formats. We can:

• write a letter (send it or never send it) outlining what happened & how it made us feel
• speak face to face to whomever we need to confront or share what happened and how it made us feel
• find creative outlets to share what happened and how it made us feel (music, drama, art, writing, dance...the list goes on)
• tell someone (anyone...a parent, a friend, a therapist, a teacher, a co-worker, a stranger on the bus....the list goes on) what happened and how it made us feel
• write in a journal; start an online blog to share what has happened and how it made us feel
• pray to whatever Entity makes sense to us, share what happened and how it made us feel

Out of this process [and there is no right or wrong way to do it, and it's usually pretty sloppy...it's ok...get sloppy, make a mess....] we will usually come to terms with WHAT WE WANT:

I want to feel good about myself
I want to feel beautiful
I want to walk down the street and not be afraid
I want to express myself clearly
I want to create
I want to love
I want to be loved
I want to walk without the weight of this past on my shoulders
I want to wake up every morning and feel good about who I am
I want to breathe
I want to be well
I want to find beauty in my day and in others
I want to share myself freely
I want to be open
I want to be a good parent
I want to be a healthy person
I want to feel supported
I want to feel good about my ideas
I want...[place whatever you want right here]

When we arrive somewhere around the "I want..." part of our journey, we may find ourselves in a moment of clarity whereby we are able to UNDERSTAND WHY what happened to us happened, what it is we needed from the experience and how that helps us attain what we want, and thus, need. We find understanding.

Forgiveness, of ourSelves, comes out of a full understanding of how we arrived at the place we have in creating what ills we have created in ourSelf and in hoping that we are able to find some sense of inner peace with ourSelf and with how we have affected our own life.

Forgiveness of other people comes out of a full understanding of how that person arrived at the place they have in creating what ills they have created in someone else and, perhaps in hoping that they are able to find some sense of inner peace with themselves and with how they have affected someone else.

My personal experience is this: it has taken far more energy for me to be angry and pissed off about life and living than it has for me to live with forgiveness towards those that I have allowed to cause me harm.

So, I have chosen to let go.