New Art

"Forgotten"

Creative Juices

Been getting the ole creative juices flowing. Mostly because I committed to take part in an upcoming Art Show in Parry Sound sometime in July/August as part of their "New & Emerging Artists Program". My friend Barb, who began watercolouring painting around 40 years of age, who is now a decade wiser and showing/selling her stuff regularly, has encouraged me to participate. "WHAT!?!??!?!" my inner critic screams, "YOU CAN'T do art!!!!" But as I'm learning...we have to ignore those nasty inner little voices. So I'll post something when it's done.

My good friend Jay showed up at the cottage this weekend, with an energy that was totally different from any I'd seen lately in him. It was really nice to see. He's decided to take better care of himself. And you could tell. So I asked what was different. He told me that he's joined his friend Andy, who's lost about 80 lbs, in making some different lifestyle choices for himself. I wanted to know more.

Jay very patiently walked me through the sorts of foods you could have; the supplements that he's taking (all store bought), some new food products that I had no idea existed and les voila...I tried black coffee tonight with a bit of Vanilla flavoured Splenda and TA DAH! I'm transformed into a black coffee drinker. For a bit of decadence, add Silk's soy coffee creamer and you have what tastes a LOT like a French Vanilla cappucino...and let's you feel like you're being ever so naughty.

The supplements are all things that I've been doing my own research about and dabbling in, and not quite getting the right combination. So...I'm giving it a go. I need to become physically smaller so that I can bend into those yoga poses that my flub is interfering with. NOT ok. I'll keep you posted. I have taken my physical measurements and am appalled at my size. Not because I'm mean to myself but because it's unhealthy. So, I'm hoping THIS will be the right combination, alongside exercise.

Exercise too...this is newish for me. I joined some other lovely ladies I know in doing "Boot Camp" workouts. I've been twice now and LOVED it. I'm pretty crap at it, but I love it. I just want to get stronger and better. Our wonderful instructor is just that...wonderful. Kim (mother of twins...AMAZING!) coaches us in lunges, squats, jumps, weight & strength training and some serious ab work. I'm hoping the addition of this, with my treadmill workouts will improve my physical state. So far so good. I'm down a pant size. I believe weight loss will occur if I just keep at this. Alongside some food adjustments and the addition of supplements.

I want to be strong.

Strong and creative...think that's a fair amount of personal growth in just a few weeks.

Here...this is an etching I did for my Mum & Auntie Pam's new kennels, they are opening in Winnipeg. Really proud of both of them, and their husbands, so just wanted to give them a small gift of love. There is a massive part of myself that wants to explain the piece and whether or not we can even call it a 'piece' but I'm refraining. For tonight, my inner critic can bugger off.

Namaste.

Dealing with chronic illness, as I do, is (I'm discovering) a matter of perspective. HOW I think about myself, my body, this pain, whatever is malfunctioning affects how 'heavy' or how I can handle whatever it is that is present. I've spent an inordinate amount of time this past 2 years trying to convince myself I don't have some crazy Mast Cell Disease; that I'm not going to go into anaphylaxis at the drop of a hat, that I won't be riddled with pain, hives, flushing or throwing my guts up for days on end and I a NOT going to the hospital...it hadn't occurred to me, until my Life Coach pointed it out, that this energy I expend on trying to convince myself of things that are other than they are, is futile. Accepting that I have this nutty incurable disease does NOT mean that I sink into a pit of self pity and stay there, drowning in pain, sorrow and self-pity. On the contrary, accepting it means that I have a platform from which to bounce into the new 'normal' that I am currently experiencing and living. And for those of you that know me, you know that this means I will be spending time and energy trying to figure out how to live with this illness in productive, positive and passionate ways. I can't believe it's taken me almost 2 years to sort this out. But such is the way of life learning...

I was sure that IF I just told myself that I didn't have this illness that it would just go away. There are still some people (lesser now...) in my life that think if I just do this, it'll all go away. Well, I've done that. And it didn't work. I also quit my medications a few weeks ago, for just over a month because I wasn't sure they were actually helping me; because I didn't want to have to take allopathic medications to keep this body close to homeostasis; because I didn't want to rely on western prescription medications to stay alive; because I was hoping that if I just tried hard enough, I could make this go away. It didn't end well. My drugless experience was ok for the first 3 days or so. I felt freed of the prescription shackles and like I was in control of my life, for the first time in ages. However, then I started hiving just from walking outside or taking a shower or the slightest emotional strain; then it just got bad. I had a run in with some latex that while I managed on my own with epi spray and the slew of drugs I have for said such emergencies, wasn't (it turned out) enough. I continued to rebound for days, which then culminated in my blacking out, several times, over a few days. The gastrointestinal crap had begun in the midst of all of this, but took a back seat to managing breathing and blood pressure levels. However, after 5 days of continual barfing and gut pain, I ended up in hospital, severely dehydrated, asthma-like attack and hypothermic. I still ended up needing injections of epinephrine, benadryl, stemetil, and IV solutions of solu medrol (steroid), etc. I got severely told off for coming off my meds, and getting back on them was, after getting stablized, the first priority. The telling off was because...it almost killed me.

I'll admit, I felt utterly defeated. Not only did I have to go back on the medications but I had been black out FREE since July 2009...and now I had to start the clock again. It's a whole year again until I can even contemplate applying to drive again. My husband, gently and sympathetically, told me this past weekend (during our alone-time, we celebrated 10 years of marriage) that I might just want to let go of that dream to drive again and IF it comes to be that I am well enough to do so again, then we'll deal with it. He's frightened of me living in this cycle of striving for something possibly unattainable and being disappointed and feeling defeated.

It's those feelings of defeatedness, wishing for otherness and hoping this'll all go away that is unhealthy. It causes a person to spend so much time wishing for otherness that they aren't actually 'present' in the life that Is. My yoga practice has helped me to realize that this 'presence' is vital to being healthy, on all levels. Wishing for the old life that I had (that I didn't enjoy when I had it) is absurd. Not to mention pointless. So, when my Life Coach this past week, said to me, "Why can't you just ACCEPT that you've been given this illness as a way of moving into the life that you're supposed to inhabit? Why do you keep fighting what IS?" that I realized I've been going about this all ass-backwards. Accepting the diagnosis of Mast Cell Disease/Systemic Mastocytosis and Idiopathic Anaphylaxis doesn't need to be a noose around my neck or a ball and chain tied to my ankles. It's not the end of the road. It's the beginning. THIS disease, the near death experiences I've had with it, and the day to day chronic pain & discomfort I've experienced are for some reason. And, I have a responsibility to handle it. So I'm going to trust the Universe/God/Whatever you like to call it, has given this to me for a reason. And, I'm going to keep learning. Who knows, perhaps one day I'll be able to help others...but in the meantime, I'm going to keep learning.

This past winter, I took a course in Level 1 Reiki. There are lots of cynical folks out there that pa-shaw the whole notion of energy and energy healing. I'll admit that I went into this particular class with a sidewards eye, looking for the loophole and the part that didn't work. I was in for a shock. It's not until a Reiki practitioner puts their hands on, or near, you that you realize the abundance of energy constantly surging around yourself, in yourself, or others and it is nothing short of massive & magnificent...at least, this was my particular experience. The real beauty is in being able to share this gift with others, as well as yourself.

I'm no new comer to Energy work though. I think I must've read just about every manual, book and treatise on the subject. I'm obviously drawn to the subject in much the same way I am drawn to Anatomy/Physiology, Meridians, Psychology, Biochemistry, and Religious/Spiritual texts. However, it was a REAL eye and soul-opener to be actively involved in the practice of these energies. It blew my mind. Still does. Book knowledge is one thing; practical work and sharing is another. Even my cynical husband seeks out my hands now. "Honey, would you mind putting your hands on me and doing that Reiki thing?" he'll ask. A wry smile crosses my lips. He's experienced the warmth, the unconditional love and the gift that each of us possess. It feels good to share.

There are some Reiki practitioners that use crystals as part or in conjunction to their Reiki practice. I don't know enough about the subject to comment on the validity or success of it. So, this Sunday, I will be taking an introductory course in the subject with Ann Scott and her partner Craig. I don't think it is without reason that my husband decided, this past Sunday, to take us south via old Highway 69 instead of the faster open road of the 4 lane Highway 400. A "moving sale" sign pulled us. We turned the car around to go it (something we don't normally do...we'd normally keep going...) and that's where we met Ann and Craig. The potential for this to be just a regular 'moving sale' experience was there, but a little bit of discussion ensued and lo and behold, it turns out that Ann is my Reiki Master's Master. Then the subject of the class this coming Sunday came up. It's a great price because Craig is gifting his time for this. It's usually taught over 2 days, but will be compressed into one. If anyone local would like to go, they need to know by Wednesday evening so that they can copy enough manuals for everyone. Otherwise, you'll have to copy the manual afterwards from someone (like me) who's going. This sort of class would normally be about $490 for the two days. It's only $25.00.

So, serendiptious? Hmm, from what I'm learning, ALL things happen for reasons. As my Life Coach continually reinforces for me, "what better way to become a practiced Healer than to have walked through the fire of disease and illness, to emerge wiser & able to pass on your knowledge..." I have sooooooooooooooo much to learn. I think it's pretty obvious that the Universe/God is looking after me in my quest for this knowledge and experience. On days when I can't get out of bed or off the couch, it's difficult to 'see' that, but I have to believe that this has all happened for reasons beyond the scope of my intelligence.

So, the first thing I want to be upon waking every morning is grateful. And I am. A path is unfolding. New and wonderful people are coming into my life. Old and unsupportive people are falling away. And those doors keep opening. Such is the way when one is on a journey.

Pain

Please read my friend Dawn's recent blog about Pain:  http://thebreakoffdawn.blogspot.com/2010/03/unpleasant-feeling.html

It's a great look at Pain...and not just Masto pain.  Dawn speaks about her courageous sister Lori, who battles Fybromyalgia.  I have a special person in my life who has it too, and she's is filled with the same kind of strength, personal resolve and stubborness to not let 'it' win.  So Dawn's post just about sums it up.  Eloquently, succinctly and yet remains filled with hope.  Hope and determination are two qualities that living with chronic illnesses solicit in us.  Sure, there is a certain amount of personal wallowing and 'whoa is me' we have to wade through to get to Hope and Determination...but it's doable.

The strength that we manage to summon, when there are truly truly dark days when the pain is so bad that you just wanna curl and up and die, is blessing and a stark reminder that we ARE capable of the good fight even when we're down and out.  However, the love and the joys/blessings that good family members and friends bring to our lives is part of an undeniable and much needed support system that helps us remember that in our fraility today, we CAN keep going...and that we are not alone in our fight.  So, Lori, thank you for being there for Dawn.  (in no particular order....) Mum, Dad, Auntie Pam and Uncle Pete, Mimi, Ant, Dorrie & Al, Simon, Nicole, Cousin Lauren, thanks for being there for me; Dawn thanks for being there for me; (in no particular order....) Julie, Celeste, Mark, Tom, Kevin, Allie, Emma, Cheryl, Carrie, Lesley, Leslie, Drea, Barb, Lori (I have my own special Lori), Tim, David, Sherry, Grant, Dan, Heather, Chrissy & Kadence, Jane, and that incredible group of Masto Sisters I've met on Facebook (sorry, it's 2 am...my brain is about to turn to mush....) THANK YOU. 

I'd love to tell Masto, that naughty little boy, that he needs to go stand in the corner and leave the rest of us alone.  However, the pain and insomnia are too strong tonight, so I'm awake on here and am reading biochemistry books in the hopes that I will konk out soon.  Please read Dawn's post.  It's a good one, and one I'm sure we can all identify with.  Pain bites.  Chronic Pain is...brutal.

Hoarders

Feeling a wee bit better than yesterday's glumdom.  Roller coaster, eh?  I find being productive helpful.  That is only doable on days when my body is co operating, which thankfully, it's mostly been doing lately.  SO, my mantra is 'enjoy it while you've got it'....

It feels like a big accomplishment when you get another coat of paint on a room, or sort a cupboard or box on the porch out.  Now I have 3 boxes of stuff to go to GoodWill and need to convince my husband that we need to put it in the car and he needs to drop it off.  We watched "Hoarders" last night on tv.  It's UNBELIEVABLE what messes people will live in and the crap that they acquire...oh, and then I look at the corner of the family room, which is a cupboard full of computer components and projects my hubby intends to do one day; a couple of boxes I intend to sort out one day and then....there's the filing cabinet.  I emptied it just before Xmas, and got rid of another filing cabinet that I had felt the need to start and fill at some point . Sorting it felt good BUT there's still work to be done on it.  Got the living room, kitchen and the movies all sorted (and purged) recently too.  THAT felt good.  It's like you almost can't breathe when you acquire THIS much stuff. 

What struck me about the people on that tv show last night was their reluctance to let go of 'stuff' and the psychological warfare going on inside them as 'organizer's came in and tried to help them purge it all.  I said out loud, more than once, "MY GOD, HOW do people live like that..." and then looked outside at the porch.  My husband was quiet through the show.  I reflected on my years of doing exactly what these women on the show were doing...filling the void in their lives with 'stuff'.  I spend a LOT of time at home now, and  am having to live IN this home more so than ever before (working full time, I found I was coming home, cooking, doing laundry, getting the kids sorted, wipe the shower down while I was having a shower, and collapsing into bed...doing the same all over again the next day; THEN going out on the weekends to avoid being IN this space....) So it was a few scant months ago that I realized how much I hated being in it.  It's not the house.  It's not the farm.  It's not my husband.  It's not the kids.  I was suffocating beneath ALL this crap we have acquired. The differences might not be noticeable to outsiders, but it's getting there and feeling better to me.  I have purged (and asked my hubby and Muminlaw and neighbour to drop off to GoodWill loads of stuff, and have thrown away loads more.)  MUCH more work to be done.  And, I can breathe in my kitchen, living room, bedrooms, and family room now. 

"What do you think?" I asked near the end.  "I think they're ill..." he trailed off.  "Ya know," I added, trying to be tactful, "our driving shed and porches look like that, eh?"  He then attempted to redirect the conversation, as he is oft want to do when we are discussing him.  "Your mother shops like that woman acquires crap,"  he said abrasively. "Yes she does," I replied, "nice diversion tactic...." He laughed.  "We seriously have to clean that driving shed out come spring.  I'm working on the porch right now..." I finished.   He agreed.   

"Hoarders" is a great show to come to some well-needed self-realization.  Extreme, it might be, but it's easy for us to sink into 'picking up bargains' at garage sales or 'intending to give a project a little TLC so that you can turn around and sell it or use it'. But, like we saw on that show last night, it doesn't take too long (heck years fly by once you have kids...) for that stuff and those intentions to pile up to unfathomable messes and clutter.   

This is where it's good to take a page out of my Inlaw's book.   My motherinlaw doesn't bring anything IN to the house without something going OUT.  I took offense to this at first, as I watched sweaters we'd given to her at Xmas going to GoodWill/Salvation Army (my own insecurity rising..."omg, she hated it...")  Her sorting out every few weeks IS sagely and IS the right thing to do...otherwise you end up with boxes and boxes and boxes of crap that you intend to wear, or give away or deal with later, but never do.  My Muminlaw strikes while the iron is hot.  I've come to see the wisdom in this.  We can't keep EVERYTHING.  It's just STUFF.  And I think I might have mentioned before that my motherinlaw keeps a pretty tight ship at her end.  Her approach to 'stuff' works.  So, while I might not have grown up learning this, I ain't too old to learn.  My fatherinlaw too...that man is amazing.  He starts a project and finishes it.  He sees what needs doing, and does it.  He doesn't put off today what can be done tomorrow, he gets it done today (or started).  Our friend Darrin, has a Grandfather, who is much the same way.  He keeps his body and mind active by completing projects.  Those men are rarely down in the dumps, glum or feeling sorry for themselves. Tired, maybe.  But tired, from completing a job or project is a good tired.  And they always find time for a crossword or a good sports game, or whatever makes them happy. 

SO...I figure the porch is a good project to keep me busy, while I wait for spring, and to keep my soul from sinking too far into glumdom.  A bit more paint and my daughter's room'll be done.  It's important that I also see the value in spending time doing these things.  I'm not STUCK at home; I have the time to tend to my home, so I should use it.  It'll keep my mind and soul busy, and uncluttered.

So while these cells in this body are behaving, let's get'er done.