Pain

Please read my friend Dawn's recent blog about Pain:  http://thebreakoffdawn.blogspot.com/2010/03/unpleasant-feeling.html

It's a great look at Pain...and not just Masto pain.  Dawn speaks about her courageous sister Lori, who battles Fybromyalgia.  I have a special person in my life who has it too, and she's is filled with the same kind of strength, personal resolve and stubborness to not let 'it' win.  So Dawn's post just about sums it up.  Eloquently, succinctly and yet remains filled with hope.  Hope and determination are two qualities that living with chronic illnesses solicit in us.  Sure, there is a certain amount of personal wallowing and 'whoa is me' we have to wade through to get to Hope and Determination...but it's doable.

The strength that we manage to summon, when there are truly truly dark days when the pain is so bad that you just wanna curl and up and die, is blessing and a stark reminder that we ARE capable of the good fight even when we're down and out.  However, the love and the joys/blessings that good family members and friends bring to our lives is part of an undeniable and much needed support system that helps us remember that in our fraility today, we CAN keep going...and that we are not alone in our fight.  So, Lori, thank you for being there for Dawn.  (in no particular order....) Mum, Dad, Auntie Pam and Uncle Pete, Mimi, Ant, Dorrie & Al, Simon, Nicole, Cousin Lauren, thanks for being there for me; Dawn thanks for being there for me; (in no particular order....) Julie, Celeste, Mark, Tom, Kevin, Allie, Emma, Cheryl, Carrie, Lesley, Leslie, Drea, Barb, Lori (I have my own special Lori), Tim, David, Sherry, Grant, Dan, Heather, Chrissy & Kadence, Jane, and that incredible group of Masto Sisters I've met on Facebook (sorry, it's 2 am...my brain is about to turn to mush....) THANK YOU. 

I'd love to tell Masto, that naughty little boy, that he needs to go stand in the corner and leave the rest of us alone.  However, the pain and insomnia are too strong tonight, so I'm awake on here and am reading biochemistry books in the hopes that I will konk out soon.  Please read Dawn's post.  It's a good one, and one I'm sure we can all identify with.  Pain bites.  Chronic Pain is...brutal.

Pain

Another night, and it looks like it'll be another battle to sleep and get comfortable. This leg and knee pain is unflaming real. I should've known. Two days of headaches preceding it. Fuck, shoot me now.

I have a bottle of percoset, loads left over from recovering from knee surgery. IF you can believe it, it hurt less than this does. Ergo, the big bottle of pills left over. I used some, but not the amount in the bottle. I am very fortunate and thankful for having them now.

I know Advil (TM) Migraine Ibuprofin would help this pain. But for us in Masto world, it's a GIANT trigger. Poof, off into the land of anaphylaxis; itching; pain; gut turmoil; inability to control one's own body temperature; urge to pee and then not having to go; vomit and diahrrea, we spin...

Ok, writing about it, isn't even helping. Please, someone chop my legs off...ok, be careful what you wish for...someone please help my pain go away without leaving me legless or unable to walk (walking is such good therapy for my isolated Self.)

Hope you're having a better night. Really.

Sweet Sleep

Up to 4 pills of Ketotifen and...finally sleep arrived. The worst was at 3 pills. That seems to have been when I couldn't sleep at all.

I slept a sound 12 hours last night, and feel so much better today.

And, I'm feeling better, overall today. Wee hooOOOOOO!!!!!!

Just as well, we're celebrating my fatherinlaw's and my daughter's birthday this afternoon.

Over 60

Can't believe that I've not slept in over 60 hours now...maybe longer. I've lost track. Have taken every med under the sun, all my antihistamines, and I'm still awake.

No Rest For The Wicked

It's been over 50 hours, oh, 52 now, since I've had any sleep.

Strange thing is, I'm not even tired anymore. Just totally flushed, achy, miserable, mad, grumpy, slightly manic and accusatory. I feel so alone. I know I'm not, logically...but I feel it. I explained it in an email to a close friend last night...I feel like I'm drifting on this big, black, dark, cold ocean, the white-tipped waves like those out of those terrifying tuna fishing documentaries or that film with George Clooney, and no life-jacket on. No boats in sight. No land in sight. Just miles of cold, dark, North Atlantic ocean.

My friend Barb thinks perhaps it might be the Ketotifen that's interfering with my sleep. It's a new addition to my drug regime. Ironically, the bottle says 'May Cause Drowsiness'. Usually the barrage of anti-histamines that I take, mean that I don't have to use a sleeping pill. I took it all last night: Zopiclone sleeping pill, gravol, bonamine (heavier, sleepier, anti-nauseant), I meditated, I drank Sleepy Time tea, I lay still, I got into bed with my children (because their smell is usually sleep inducing and calming), I cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom, floors, bathroom, took a shower, soaked my feet, exercised, did yoga, watched tv, read Education Theory books, read some fiction...and to no avail. I might have to crack open some Biochemistry books.

My husband thinks I should have a dig around to see if we have any weed lying around, smoke that and go to bed. I dunno...

I'm cold. I have eaten barely anything in equally as long, and am not hungry. At least the nausea is at bay.

Tachycardia visits intermittently with its cousin, Brachycardia. Up and Down. Ebbs and flows. Undulating waves of almost reaction, but not quite.

At least my body pain has subsided. So I don't need to take Percoset today. I have a tolerable amount of pain in my knees and leg long bones.

There's a weight on my chest but I can breathe.

My tongue feels fine...which is a nice change.

I'm going to go get under the heat blanket, even at 20 in the house (with new windows, no more drafty doors, new furnace and woodstove) I'm still cold. My hands and feet are cold. Body temp is ok though, teeny bit low but nothing to be worried about: 36.1C/96.8 F. I don't fret until I go down to 92. By which time I can't function.