Stuck

I read a lot of inspirational stuff, and...I honestly try to inhabit each moment in my day fully, peacefully and with an abundance of gratitude, but this week I've been stuck.  

I feel trapped by my body; trapped by my cells; trapped by my environment; trapped...period.  It's hard to breathe when you feel this way.    I feel so trapped that I don't even have anything insightful to write about feeling trapped.

I know what I want, and it isn't THIS.

I want to be well.

I want to wake up every morning knowing it's gonna be ok.

I want to never have to call an ambulance ever again.

I want to be able to go out with ffamily/friends and not have to worry about someone's perfume or a piece of dust potentially hurting/killing me.

I want to drive a car.

I want to be able to take myself out for breakfast on a Sunday morning.

I want to never feel those all over 'body migraines'.  Pain sucks.

I want to sleep peacefully, without pain, anxiety or restlessness.

I want to never feel like a bear or 10 tonne boulder is sitting on my chest.

I want to be itchy free.

I want to be full of abundant energy.

I want my tongue never to know what tingling or swelling is.

I want to go a whole week without vomitting and gut pain.

I want my children to have their Mother back, in ALL capacities.

I want my husband to have his Wife back.

I want never to need this kind of cocktail of drugs just to keep me out of hospital.

I want white skin that never blotches or flushes.

I want to travel.

I want to take a bus, train or plane without fear of anaphylaxis.

I want to deal with paperwork that has nothing to do with ME and this failing body.

I want to be able to breathe all day, every day, without restriction.

I want to feel useful.

And the biggest 'want' that ALL people with Mast Cell Disease or Systemic Mastocytosis want...I want the old 'me' back, or some of it.  And I want to stop wanting that because it can't be healthy, productive or useful.

I want to stop resenting people with 'normal' lives. It's the simple things that you miss when you lose them...

I want to stop explaining myself to people.  Explaining Masto is exhausting.  My God, there are soooooo many other beautiful things to talk about and think about.

And, finally, I want to be free.  

Stuck is a lonesome place to be.  And in the middle of nowhere, with no driver's license and nowhere to go (and invites that you can't go to because they are high risk & your body isn't co operating)...well, it's hard to see the beauty in that, despite my best efforts.

See...stuck.  The roller coaster of Masto...up, down, up, down, up, down....